I foresaw this happening, I just didn’t know when it would actually occur. Raskolnikov, Raskolnikov, Raskolnikov. He knew what he wanted to do and he did it, although not as cleanly as he hoped to, but he had an objective and a clear aspiration–nothing I would quite dream of achieving, yet he was a true goal-setter and goal-achiever.
So here I am. I will graduate from the University of Denver with a BFA in Electronic Media Arts Design, a name which is both a bothersome mouthful and a name which never fails to spark interest (and whether that stimulation is good or not is questionable). I have no web presence. And why do I have no prominent web presence? Well, that is because I don’t know how to have one. The time to create said presence has been squandered away reading Pride & Prejudice, Crime & Punishment and any other classic novel you can imagine whose title contains two nouns linked by an and. No, I am not an English major, though I swear sometimes I pretend to be one with how much I enjoy writing, critiquing writing and reading. Why didn’t I just see this when I was in high school? That I was destined to be a writer of some sort. I could have honed my skills by this point in time, but like I said, I have squandered 3 years so far pretending to be a graphic artist with false dreams of working on computers.
I cannot work on computers. It’s impossible. I’d rather be standing at 12,000 feet admiring the view of mountains. And that is why I should be a field scientist of some sort, a geologist or archaeologist…some ‘logist’. Also, as remarkably illogical as this statement may appear, I would rather be digging a hole for a tree or digging up black tarp trapped within the earth so that native plants can grow. Essentially, I mean, I yearn to be outside more than anything and the last thing I can fathom myself being perfectly content and satisfied with doing in my my life is sitting in front of a computer all day every day fussing with Adobe software programs and coding. For the love of Jasus, save my soul.
Why did I not decide to go into biology? There was a moment though, a very clear and rational moment I had this time last year actually, when I was minor searching. I hit upon the notion that I would be a brilliant molecular biology minor. So, I pursued it, but after one class of general genetics decided that it would get in the way of my actual degree work. General genetics is no breeze mind you and to take it for fun, like I was doing, is unfathomable in the science department. “What sort ‘a eejit takes Gen’ral Genetics for fan?” (I just read Angela’s Ashes and so my internal voice is now speaking to me in an Irish accent!). So, that is when my dream of being a scientist and artist ended. Certainly, I cannot go into any sort of science related field after only having studied biology and evolution through my own research and the help of Dawkins, Gould and Diamond. That will never fly, ever. And that is what kills me about this world. It’s ruthless. The competition will get you in the end. And presently, I am no match for the competition.
A defeatist. Is this the attitude of the defeated, of one who has surrendered to the difficulties of life? Hell yes. And I hate that I should harbor such emotions, but I will not deny them. They are too powerful.
Chef, Graphic/Web Designer, Fine Artist, Illustrator, Environmental Activist, Americorps!, Peacecorps!, teacher, professor, translator, permanent toiler in the non-profit world, freelance this-and-that, unstable jobs, craftswoman, writer, novelist, world traveler, biologist, geneticist (that dream is dead…maybe?), yoga instructor, mountain guide, bicycle guide.
There, that is essentially everything I enjoy doing wrapped up in the name of the profession it applies to. Which one? I need an answer. I cannot just enter the world without any achievable goal.
Know what? Maybe I have never had an achievable goal. I have always been about diversification, which has lead me to where I am today. Stuck in a rut. Diversify…hell no, I won’t go.
